Malali Bashir
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| Image source: http://www.salon.com/2011/03/09/dodging_an_arranged_marriage_open2011/ |
As in all other patriarchal societies of the world, the tradition of arranged
marriage is a common practice in the Afghan society. Much of the time, neither
the men-to-be-married nor the women-to-be-married have any say in the
matchmaking process. The process is initiated by the suitor’s family by asking
for the hand of a potential bride from her family.
An arranged marriage is not necessarily forced
and generally is not forced either. There are two types of arranged marriages
in the Afghan society: those conducted for the sincere happiness of the
couple, and those that resemble business transactions conducted primarily as a
means to settle deals with families.
An arranged marriage takes place between two
families and not just two individuals since Pashtuns live in a joint-family
system. The Afghan society is family-oriented such that even if the
to-be-married couple may not live in a joint family in future, the process of
arranging the marriage remains the same. Usually, it is the suitor’s immediate
female relatives who decide who makes the ideal match for the suitor. The
responsibility of finding a marriage partner, then, does not fall on the couple
but on their families. As such, both the male and female must individually
impress the families of their potential mate’s, particularly in cases when they
know they want to marry each other. For this reason, also, the boy’s and the
girl’s family background and both personal and family history become important
and determine whether or not the individual will join their family in marriage.
By creating acquaintance between the families and their involvement in the
process of arranging a marriage of the two sides, any disagreements can easily
be solved in future.
For more progressive families, traditions are
changing and women and men are not deemed as criminals for falling in love with
each other. A man can express his interest in a particular woman, and vice
versa, to his/her family members—i.e., a female relative, such as a mother or a
sister.
In the novel Pride and Prejudice by Jane
Austen, Mrs. Bennet, who is desperate to marry off her daughters, can easily
match a typical South/Central Asian mother’s character in a way that most of
them stress the importance of marriage for young women in order for them to
have a better future. They have their own reasons for doing so.
For a potential bride-to-be, age, beauty and
health are considered next to the woman’s skills in cooking and other domestic
chores; this is true even for some educated families. For others, education and
a job are also an addition to the list of qualities that a potential bride must
hold, since educated and career-women are seen as a source of raising an
educated next generation as well as an additional source of financial support.
A woman is considered too old to marry if she
crosses the age of twenty-two; early marriages are encouraged highly, the older
a woman gets, the less options she has and even less interest is expressed in
her. Once she crosses a certain age, she can generally only have suitors who
are either divorced, widowers, or already married. Additionally, if a woman
remains unmarried for a long period of time, people start to question her
social behavior, as the less orthodox her behavior is, the less desired she is
for marriage. Not being desirable for marriage in a certain age is the reason
why most people wait to marry off their first or oldest daughter first and say
“no” to all other suitors that might come for their succeeding daughters. It is very usual if once the second sister is married
first, the oldest daughter is automatically then considered too old to marry.
Moreover, women are socially entirely dependent on males even if they are
economically independent. There is always a need for a male relative for a
woman to survive in the society. As such, she is viewed as a burden on her
family and hence her society, since before marriage, she is the responsibility
of her father, and once she is married, the responsibility is transferred over
to her husband.
The health of a woman, unlike that of a man’s, is
also taken into account. There are women who never seek medical help for their
serious diseases, before marriage, because of the risk of being labeled as
“sick” and thus unable to find a reasonable suitor. Other times, the mental
torment and domestic bullying with the hands of the wives of brothers in a
family also mentally prepare women and their parents to get them married at a
young age in order to escape and find a new home--with no guarantee that the
new home will be any better. These fears are the basic reasons of why even
educated women, out of haste, fall prey to men who are selfish, jealous,
controlling and exploitative. Such fears are also a result of trying to make a
better future for young women by getting them mentally ready to marry as early
as possible.
Upon the birth of a son, families rejoice and
celebrate the occasion because a man is considered to be able to continue the
family legacy, to financially support the families and to protect the families
in case of any disputes. More men mean more power and wealth. He is treated as
an investment since childhood and is given a good education that provides him
skills and other facilities. It is the male who is responsible for earning for
his family (whether joint or immediate), even in a very young age, if the older
men are unable or are simply not there to do so. Providing
education and skills, other than house chores and handicrafts, to female
children is not interesting to many since they may benefit the people of the
house financially, where she is married, and not her father’s; therefore, many
don’t bother. On the other hand, girls/daughters—are considered an asset
because of the walwar-- the money paid by the husband to the bride’s
father/family, for which these women can be exchanged in many parts of
Afghanistan where the custom is practiced. Also, the custom of Jahez or
dowry that the bride's father has to pay the groom's family is practiced in
some parts of the Pakhtunkhwa. Women, who are given for a lesser walwar
and those who are married with lesser dowry from their father's side are
considered “worthless” in their in-laws’ eyes. This is also one of the reasons
the amount of Jahez and walwar is going up day by day in many
parts of the country.
Pa badal warkawal is a tradition in which
one woman is exchanged for another. Families that are not able to pay the money
of dowry to get a wife for their son marry off, in exchange, their daughter to
the brother or uncle or any male relative of a woman whose hand they get for a
male relative in the family. Much of the time, in-laws treat their
daughter-in-law according to the treatment of their daughter in her in-laws. If
a man or his family turns out to be abusive towards their daughter-in-law, the
other woman is treated the same way by her family and husband in order to make
her reap what her family sows.
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